Twelve Things Employers Don’t Want You to Know

One of the spoof clickbait pieces from my forthcoming collection.

· Most of the time when we advertise a job, there are no jobs. It just makes potential customers think we’re doing better than we really are.

· When we advertise jobs, we put bets on how many applicants we will get. The winner gets to go home early on a Friday.

· If we ask applicants to take a test, we don’t actually care about the results. We just want to see far people will go, if they think there is a job at the end of it.

· Often we will make you fill out applications, take tests, do unpaid work trials etc. This could take hours, days and in extreme cases, weeks. However, don’t expect us to take five minutes to reply to you.

· When we send out rejections, they may seem personalised. So, could say anything from “someone else was a better fit” to “we think you lacked in some areas of expertise which we were looking for”. These are picked out of a hat at random, so try not to take it personally, if you later find out we’ve hired someone with only a fraction of your experience and qualifications.

· On the rare occasions we do employ someone, we choose not on experience or qualifications, but based on someone who likes the same things we do, is in our age range or perhaps…